Well, here we go. This is how it starts. Or how it ends. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s wedding plans are apparently on hold. So this is it. Here it is. Poor old Jennifer Aniston, the lonely old maid of the Southland, is about to lose love once again. Who knows what’s happened. Perhaps she showed him too many of her mysterious curio rooms, full of jars of hair labeled “Vince” and “John” and “Brad.” Maybe he was actually awake, only pretending to be asleep, all the times she whispered “Never leave me” into his ear at night before pouring in a strange potion that felt both cold and warm. Maybe he heard her rattling around in the basement, the sound of things clanking and crashing, she speaking in a strange, squakwing voice he’d never heard before, saying “Angelina, Annnnngeliiiiiina, ANGELINAAAAAA” over and over and over again. Who knows what she could have done, what strange spinster horrors she might have subjected him to, but the point is that the wedding is on hold. And of course it will soon prove to be a silly dream that will never happen. This is the beginning of the end. Because that old witch said “never” when she gave Jennifer Aniston the role on Friends, and as the ancients tell us, never is a promise. Those were the terms of the spell. A lifetime of fame and stardom in exchange for all the love that might come her way. At the time Jennifer thought it would be fine, but now, oh cruel, cruel now, now she knows it was a huge mistake. The wedding is postponed. Because of course it would always be postponed. Because— Hm? What’s that? They’re busy with home renovations and both just took new jobs so they’re putting the plans on hold for a sec because they’re both grownups who don’t need to get married right now? Oh, OK, I see. Never mind. Sorry, guys! False alarm.
